How Do I Overcome Communication Challenges with My Spouse?
Communication is the foundation of any strong marriage. It acts as the bridge that connects two individuals, each with their unique brain, nervous system, and perspective, enabling them to function as a cohesive unit. At its core, marriage is about learning to become one with another person, and communication is the essential tool that makes this possible.
Through sharing, imparting, and receiving, couples align their thoughts, collaborate effectively, and work toward building this sense of unity. As long as the goal of becoming one remains central to the relationship, communication continues to serve as the vital channel that makes accomplishing this kind of goal possible.
Identifying Issues
Married couples often face a variety of communication challenges, beginning with knowing what to communicate about themselves. Herein, we find the need to develop self-awareness about their own emotions. This foundational step of self-awareness is crucial before moving on to knowing how to effectively communicate those emotions to their partner.
Another common hurdle is identifying the right timing to express feelings, thoughts, and reactions. Without proper timing, even the best content we want to communicate to each other may possibly fall on unsympathetic ears, or further overwhelm the situation.
Emotions play a significant role in communication, much like a backseat driver in a car. If we don't know how to drive or where to go, the backseat driver can influence the direction and timing of conversations, signaling when to press forward, when to turn, or when to stop. They can guide us toward meaningful conversations, ensure our needs are met, and allow us to feel heard. Finally, they can connect us to our bodies, offering insights into what we need, what brings us joy, and what we should avoid to minimize pain.
However, when backseat drivers (i.e., emotions) become too intense, they can take over the driver's seat, dictating the journey in a way that may not be ideal. For instance, consider the challenge of exercising in the morning. Emotions might initially push us toward discomfort, steering us away from the task. To regain control of our direction in conversations, it is important to acknowledge those feelings while staying committed to goals that bring fulfillment - such as how we talk about and follow through with exercising.
If we can utilize emotions for their benefits during conversations, while minimizing these backseat drivers from taking over, our communication will never lack purpose - like a metaphorical taxi driver waiting indefinitely for directions. Emotions, when balanced, provide the guidance needed to navigate relationships and conversations with intention and meaning.
Stress can also significantly affect how couples communicate by disrupting the brain’s ability to process information and emotional stimuli effectively. Think of the brain as a processing funnel, where incoming stimuli are sorted and converted into useful information or manageable emotions. When stress is present, it acts like a piece of gum swallowed into the funnel—it doesn’t break down easily and clogs the system, preventing the funnel from draining (i.e., preventing us from processing hard things!).
When stress isn’t properly handled or processed, it accumulates, taking center stage in our thoughts and conversations. This “clogged funnel” effect can lead to communication being dominated by stress-related topics and planning, leaving little room for meaningful connection or problem-solving.
While some forms of stress, such as the physical stress from exercise, can be positive and even beneficial, excessive unprocessed stress overwhelms our mental and emotional bandwidth. Addressing this stress is essential to maintaining clear, productive, and balanced communication in a marriage.
An effective processing funnel is essential for moving forward in communication with others, but it’s also valuable to express what’s currently in your funnel. For example, saying, “This is what’s in my funnel. I don’t know what to do with it, but I want to share it,” is a valid and meaningful way to communicate. Things stuck in our own processing funnels can vary greatly, but may include not knowing how to react to your kid’s situation at school, what to do about upcoming bills, or a conversation in the past that upset you and you don’t yet know why.
When the funnel functions well—actively processing rather than just dumping stress—it naturally improves communication. However, even recognizing and voicing when your funnel is full is an important skill. Acknowledging that you’re overwhelmed and communicating that clearly can foster understanding and connection, even during challenging times. Effective communication isn’t just about resolution—it’s also about sharing and acknowledging where you are in the moment.
Developing Effective Communication Skills
Strong communication is the cornerstone of a successful marriage, and there are several key skills couples must develop to ensure their relationship thrives:
Communicating Affection: Effectively expressing love and appreciation strengthens emotional bonds and fosters connection.
Setting Boundaries: Learning to communicate boundaries clearly and respectfully is essential for maintaining mutual respect and understanding.
Navigating Difficult Emotions: Communicating during hard, heavy, or harsh emotions is critical for managing conflict and finding resolution.
Repairing Relationships: Mending burnt or broken bridges through open, honest communication helps couples overcome challenges and rebuild trust.
Asking for Help: Knowing how to express the need for support—and doing so effectively—is a key component of healthy communication that encourages partnership and teamwork.
Mastering these skills equips couples to face the ups and downs of marriage with resilience and understanding.
Without these effective communication skills, marriages are prone to toxic behaviors such as mind reading.. Expecting your partner to read your mind often leads to misunderstandings. While familiarity in a relationship may help partners anticipate each other’s preferences—like knowing someone’s favorite food or activities—it’s important not to rely on assumptions. People naturally grow, evolve, and face changing circumstances. Thus, holding onto rigid beliefs such as “my husband is always late” stifles growth and the possibility for positive change, both individually and as a couple. Open and effective communication ensures that the partnership remains dynamic, resilient, and deeply connected.
Enhancing Understanding and Connection
Effective communication strengthens the connection in marriage by providing clear signals about where to connect, how deeply to connect in specific areas, and when it might be necessary to disconnect temporarily.
For instance, when someone feels stressed or overwhelmed, they might communicate, “I need to know that you’re here for me when I come back, but I need space right now to cool down.” This type of communication not only sets boundaries but also reassures the partner of their importance, fostering trust and understanding.
By clearly expressing needs and emotions, couples can navigate moments of disconnection while maintaining the foundation of their relationship, ensuring they come back stronger and more connected.
Resolving Conflicts
Effective communication is a powerful tool for resolving disagreements and conflicts in marriage. It helps address common sources of contention, such as misunderstandings, the tendency to rely on mind reading, or overwhelmed processing funnels that make it difficult to consider another person’s perspective. Miscommunication often causes disconnection (i.e., like an unplugged HDMI cord), but effective communication acts like plugging the HDMI cord back in between a source and a display. It restores the flow of information, understanding, and connection—an essential step, as reconnection is often the key to resolving conflicts.
When disagreements arise, respectful communication is even more important. Sharing the reasons behind different preferences or viewpoints allows each partner to maintain their individuality and personal goals while honoring the unique contributions they bring to the relationship. Disagreements can feel scary when they are discovered, but it is important to remember that diversity in thought and experience is what enhances the range of experiences and qualities that beautiful marriages need to thrive.
The goal of marriage is unity, not uniformity. Partners are like distinct elements that flow together to create something greater, much like the Earth and the life it sustains. Without individuality, the relationship loses its vitality, and without cohesion, connection becomes impossible. Through effective communication, couples can celebrate each other’s differences while working toward meaningful unity, fostering both individuality and togetherness in their partnership.
Seeking Support and Professional Help
Marriage and family counseling can significantly enhance communication in marriage by providing guidance, structure, and emotional safety.
First, marriage counseling models effective communication. A skilled therapist acts as a scaffold, demonstrating how to communicate clearly and constructively. This involves slowing down conversations to address complex topics, breaking them into manageable pieces, speeding up when resolution is needed, and keeping discussions on track without veering into unrelated tangents. By showing what effective communication looks like in real time, marriage counseling provides couples with a framework they can emulate in their own interactions.
Second, marriage counseling addresses situations where emotions—the “backseat drivers” of communication—have taken control. A therapist acts as an impartial third party, helping couples regain control by metaphorically asking emotions to step aside and allowing intentional thought and rationality to steer the conversation. This kind of intervention ensures that communication remains purposeful and constructive, even in emotionally charged moments.
Lastly, marriage counseling acts as a stabilizing force, especially for individuals stuck in survival mode or overwhelmed by fight, flight, or freeze responses. A therapist provides reassurance and restores emotional safety, creating an environment where intentional and conscious communication can thrive. Marriage counseling empowers couples to reconnect and communicate effectively by addressing these barriers and offering practical tools.
From my own professional experience, one example that stands out involved a couple where the husband had been using pornography to self-soothe, escape stress, and cope with feelings of hopelessness.
During one session, I asked what might seem like a simple question: “How do you feel about porn? Can you help me understand your stance toward it?” This question, given by an unbiased third party, created a safe space for the husband to express feelings he had never been able to share before. He responded, “This feels almost like turning to alcohol or drugs for escape. I hate it. I don’t want it to be a part of my life. I want to regain control of my emotions and not feel dependent on this.”
His wife had no idea he felt this way. Hearing his answer reframed many of the assumptions and undid the damage done by unfortunate mindreading. By asking that straightforward question in a supportive setting, we opened the door for honest communication. This openness restored a flow of understanding between the spouses, allowing them to connect in a way they hadn’t been able to before. Marriage counseling provided the structure and safety the husband needed to articulate his feelings, and it gave the couple the tools to rebuild trust and connection through open and honest dialogue.
Closing Remarks
As therapists, we often joke about how frequently couples come in, reporting having the same issue in very similar words, “We want to work on communication.” This is almost universal for my colleague and I to hear from new clients—nine times out of ten, it’s the first thing couples mention.
While “We have communication issues” is a common refrain, it’s not necessarily a bad thing for clients to express. In fact, it can be an essential starting point. However, I often see communication problems as a red flag for something deeper.
In some cases, the issue is a lack of strong communication skills, which can leave important things unspoken and lead to additional challenges. But more often than not, poor communication is a symptom of underlying issues. When I observe communication difficulties, I immediately become curious about the deeper dynamics at play—whether it’s unmet needs, unresolved conflict, or emotional disconnection.
By addressing these root causes, couples can not only improve their communication but also strengthen the overall health of their relationship. Effective communication is often the result of deeper understanding, emotional safety, and connection within the partnership.
Looking for ways to strengthen your relationship? Explore our online marriage counseling services today!
Author Bio
Joshua Powner has been practicing therapy since 2018, bringing over half a decade of experience to his work. He earned his master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from Colorado State University. He has completed extensive training in therapeutic approaches, including cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, and the Gottman Method—an evidence-based approach particularly effective for couples counseling.
In addition to his therapy practice, Powner served as a clinical team lead at Telos, where he provided high-quality treatment and counseling, managed comprehensive treatment plans, and collaborated with psychiatrists to ensure effective medication management. These plans often integrate life coaching, academic support, and other tailored interventions to support clients holistically.
Powner’s expertise includes a focus on processing approaches and a specialization in working with couples and families, particularly those navigating challenges such as ADHD or high-functioning autism. Since 2023, he has successfully operated his practice, building on prior experience gained through collaborations with program directors, leaders within the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, and other professionals in the field.
His professional development has been profoundly influenced by the mentorship of Dr. Tony Zimmerman, whose expertise in marriage and family therapy shaped Powner’s approach and guided his pursuit of national-level training to become a supervisor. With a deep passion for helping individuals, couples, and families navigate their unique challenges, Powner remains committed to advancing his expertise and providing compassionate, effective care to his clients.
